I've seen life in terms of science. Always tend to prefer science's explanation better than any reasoning one might give to life. Because it makes sense. The relief of knowing the end. Believing in what might happen in the last moments. My preferred answers to all the things is scientific, that gives me the relief that it'll be true most of the time.
Yet science fails sometimes. The tried, and tested methods might not be applicable, something that happens regularly doesn't make it true. Consciously and subconsciously, I am still speaking of what science has proven. It has proven itself to be wrong most of the time. That, something should not be thought as one universal truth, but rather a possible truth for the current instance of time.
Looking outside the window, hearing the barking dogs, the sky is cloudy and it's mildly raining. The streetlights are glowing everywhere, though it's a moonless night, the world is still bright with life. The world around me is sleeping, it's silent, I can hear each raindrop individually, the insects chirping, the wind and my heartbeat. A mosquito is flying around me, with its own goals, to get food, to get energy, to continue itself and preserve its kind. I have a different goal, to kill the mosquito and sleep well. Life's keeping us both alive and awake in this night when everyone is sleeping and consciously dead. Everything is keeping me awake. Myself, the mosquito, the weather, the light outside my house, my phone and many unknown unknowns.
I've read self-help books, I've watched a lot of talks about achievements and ideas and life, and I get inspired by it. But it doesn't last long. Newton's first law of motion said, "An object at rest tends to remain at rest, and a moving object tends to remain in motion in a straight line with constant speed." Similarly, I tend to remain in the same state of what I am despite being motivated for some time. This whole analogy is faulty because scientifically an object in motion tends to remain in motion in a straight path, unless an external force acts on it. So, technically the reads and talks should have been impacting the whole trajectory of my life, and I surely can say that It hasn't impacted enough to make a difference. The self-help books truly were written for self-help, their own self, like I am writing this piece right now for myself.
Sometimes, you'll never know the correct answer. It's fine to not know something, it's fine to not know anything but, the realization that you will never know something is devastating. It's the feeling of realization that you will never be able to get the thing you wished for. Life changes stories, one changes dreams, like science changes its truth over time.
Some sleepless nights can get you what you want, others just take life away a tad faster. This one is the latter, the one that has no meaning, there's no achievement, it's just an unhealthy sleepless night. I need to sleep, I feel like sleeping, sleeping until a new day arrives, a whole new life waiting for me to sleep, so it can get to me even faster.
People have explained life in different ways, how love fills it with joy, how having a friend makes it a lot easier to live, how some achievement may make you want to live a bit more. But I particularly like the way nature has taught us. If you cut the cocoon of a butterfly to let it come out of it easily, giving it love and all the care you could give, it will die, not being able to flap its wings, unable to take a flight, unable to live a life, unable to figure out things, unable to find a way to contribute to the world, unable to find a way to live longer and never getting the chance to bring more life like its own to the world.
Loving an unborn butterfly is cruel, and loving a flying butterfly is stupid. One can only admire its beauty seeing it roam around the flowers, living dodging and ducking the predators and finding its own world to live, a life it wanted, not a life you wanted it to have, not a life you thought would be better, not a life with you and your unintentionally cruel love.